i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
