my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
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Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
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He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
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