If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I'm getting married
To pizza
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Randomize
