i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
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you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
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Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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