party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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