He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
Randomize
