So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
