The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize
