I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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