Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
