Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
