they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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