Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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