I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
