he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
