Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
This house was built for laser tag.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
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He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
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