The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Who wears a wallet chain?!
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
