Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
jump out the window naked night went bad
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