We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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