The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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