Screwed.edu
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
