It doesn't matter if they shave you or not, you're still susceptible to the staph infection.
Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
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