Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
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