tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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