I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
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