i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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