Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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