My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
