Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
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