eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Randomize
