Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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