I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
