Jerry, you need to find god
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
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