We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
