either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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