Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
