Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
