We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
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I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
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You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
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