They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
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