Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
