This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
