Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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