Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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