the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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