1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
