You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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