Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
