woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
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