The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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