The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
