Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
How good was the sex? She sent me a fruit basket the next day.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
