some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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