A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
The feeling are messing with the penis
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
