You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
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