Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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