Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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