Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Randomize
