Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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