Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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