At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
