you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
